I felt it creep in, slowly,
Like a snake slithering through the weeds on its muscled body.
Maneuvering in a way that let its presence be known without being seen.
The weight of it began to crush me.
The air in my lungs dissipated,
My nails bled from trying to scratch my way out.
It was too late.
Like the final shovel of dirt cast onto my coffin,
My friend darkness swallowed me whole.
I never had a chance.
I checked once, twice, not sure why.
I didn’t have a count, but somehow, I knew the amount of pills had not changed in over a week.
I did it again.
It was my fault he was here. It was my own fault I felt the color of my world slip through my hands, white knuckle grip, but it was too late.
It was a familiar place. One I use to call home.
Cold, numb, and hot all at the same time.
Everything around me moved so quickly,
But I, I stood still and wondered,
Would things REALLY be different without me here.
Ah. Darkness my old friend, it had been a while since we held hands.
He and I have been one since my earliest memories.
He and I, the two of us.
Any time he finds his way back, I’m always fearful he will bust through the door like an angry ex lover.
But no, he always comes back, smooth, slithering, happy to know he found me again.
He reminds me it will always be the two of us,
That he’s always right on the other side of the door
When the pills steadily disappear from their box.
My dark cloud, oh how he loves to engulf me
Remind me, the only consistent thing in my life has always been him.
He always whispers to me, “why be so afraid of me, i know you better than anyone else…
Your fears. Your desires.
I know them all…so why do you run from me?”
But I remind him, when we are together,
Yes, I feel at home,
But he makes me into someone else.
When those who love me see me, their heartaches.
When they see me with him, they yearn to separate us.
When they know the two of us are back together,
They fear the reckless things he may make me do…
To be home….to stay home.
So I remind him,
He will always be a part of me,
But he will have to be the caged part.
It’s best for both of us,
My dark cloud and I.
Always together.
Leave a Reply