Soul Scribbles

This morning, I woke up feeling fantastic. Yesterday, I had a blast at the driving range, and it seemed like the past week had been a win in the healthy eating department. So, you can imagine my shock when I stepped on the scale and was greeted with a number that nearly knocked the wind out of me. Welcome to the perpetual rollercoaster of my weight loss journey.

Let me paint you a picture: I’ve struggled with my weight since I was little, and when I say “struggled,” I mean my weight and I have had a lifelong love-hate relationship. For about 99% of my existence, I’ve been overweight. However, there was a glorious period from ages 31 to 34 when I hit my target weight and lost around 100 pounds. I’ve told this story many times, shared it on Instagram and Facebook, basked in the glory of my hard work.

But then, life happened. Right before the pandemic hit, I injured my knee, which pretty much put a halt to my usual intense workouts. You know, the kind where I’d spend an hour on the stair stepper burning anywhere between 600 to 1,000 calories, followed by another hour of weight training. Even with the knee injury, I continued eating like I was still torching 2,000 calories each gym session. Slowly but surely, the weight began to creep back.

And then the pandemic swooped in, adding its own special seasoning of stress and isolation to our lives. The pounds added up, and as we emerged from lockdown, I found myself facing a familiar foe: depression. My anxiety was through the roof, thanks to the world reopening and my less-than-ideal work environment. Finally, I decided to get on medication. Despite my background in psychology and my understanding of mental health, I had always taken pride in pulling myself out of my deepest depressions without pharmaceutical help.

However, my depression isn’t just situational or environmental; it’s biological. Both my parents have struggled with it too. So, I took the plunge and started on Lexapro. I’ve been on it for about 2.5 to 3 years now—honestly, who’s counting? The thing about antidepressants is that they often come with side effects, one of which is weight gain. Combine that with being in my mid-30s, fast approaching 40, and losing weight has become an uphill battle.

So, there I was this morning, staring at the scale, feeling like I’d just hit my highest weight ever. In the past, seeing that number would have sent me spiraling into a deep depression. But this time, I didn’t let it consume me. I credit my growth in faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ for this newfound resilience. These days, I find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles, and I thank God for all the good things in my life.

I want to use this blog to share my journey—battling ADHD, dealing with depression, navigating life as an artist, and trying to get back on track health-wise. I’ve never aimed to be skinny or tiny. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, both mentally and physically. I love being active, but at this weight, it’s uncomfortable and disheartening.

Today, I feel especially determined to get back on track. I’m ready to embrace the chaos, celebrate the small victories, and most importantly, practice self-care. It’s about time I make my health a priority again, not just for the sake of the scale but for my overall well-being.

So, here’s to new beginnings, renewed determination, and the ongoing journey to find balance and health. If you’re out there struggling too, know that you’re not alone. We’ve got this, one step (and maybe one driving range session) at a time.